Meaninglessness

On a somewhat abandoned factory exterior facing wall someone spray-painted the word, in its entirety, “MEANINGLESSNESS”.

I sit, typing in my somewhat dilapidated apartment, a six year anniversary upon us, and a pretty bleak future of opportunities, goals, and dreams.

I am not what my family tradition and identity had brought me up to be, but I was definitely molded by those experiences and that history to be basically the person I am today. Kind, sensitive, somewhat indecisive –and sexually, philosophically, intelligently, and productively CONSTIPATED.

I identify as part of the queer community now, yes, but what does that mean to me? What does that mean to my family? and daresay that I care at ALL of what that means to others in the queer community that might care?

I have several days off here this week. Mostly for the potential self-inflicted pain of a dermatology allergy test panel that requires a 5 day span of not showering/scratching your back and 3 appointments across 3 days commitment.

In a world where my schedule fluctuates, but I basically have no other obligations and can afford preventative if not “meaningless” testing for the tweaking improvement of quality of life – I have accepted this and am in the midst of the testing. Patches are gone, my back shows minimal reactivity, and I am a smelly, unproductive, melancholy, depressive, chubby mess.

Of course, my period, about ten days late (fairly the norm) decides to make an appearance, and I decided not to work today in addition to the other two days I took off. That makes three days I have spent scheduled and permitted “leave hours” on in an attempt to not accumulate more “time loss” – to continue my path towards acceptance into a light rail vehicle training course to become a LRV Operator.

Bridge City, land of the Timbers, might not be the best place to get this sort of training as the accumulated fleet and history is a bit haphazard and the training shoddily put together because of that, but a potentially valuable learning experience nonetheless.

My partner is currently more than half way through the initial LRV training. Kudos to them and getting this goal underway. I hope to be next.

But back to MEANINGLESSNESS.

It has taken nearly a year longer than expected to reach this point. The idea of becoming LRV Operator has begun to lose its luster. I still plan to go forward. I was trained to be stubborn to a point to make sure I completed some goals in life – even if some of those were detrimental to my or others existence. HA! Again, what is life? does it have meaning to you? to me? to any of us? 

Or does it only have the meaning we ascribe to it?

I sit dabbling in more bird feeder porch projects, nature recordings, artistic video time lapses, and admirations of my rescue pugs’ most likely mundane life activities, but adorably cute existence.

I mean, do I only have value when I care to think, feel, or say I have value?

Does anything have intrinsic value?

There are things that seemingly go beyond our reach, disintegrate, break, decay – and yet some how the energy and molecular existence continues and could potentially return some day – even to its original purpose or form??? Meaning depending on when you encounter anything it is in a state of existing or not existing – or in the rarest of forms “becoming” of one or the other in a potentially problematic or beautifully cataclysm development way.

And this does not even broach the subject of the mind and memory. The remembrance of a person, place, thing, or activity. The muscle memory when active short or long-term memory activity is gone. The feelings evoked when you recall something. The trauma, the drama, the nuance in life experience and existence.

Where is the movement?

Why do I stare at my ceiling pondering ways to fix the world?

Why does it matter that I or anyone else solve the issues of prisons and prison slavery?

Will anyone? Can anyone? —ABOLISH broken systems like our police, prisons, politics, healthcare, retirement, and other social “necessities”? Forming them aNEW.

Can we possibly start a new with direct action initiative collectives and support through philanthropic millionaires to solve homelessness, job, healthcare, and food crises?

Does any of it really matter? or is it all just…

MEANINGLESSNESS

… in the face of a world, universe, and on a plane of existence we none of us chose to be in and will apparently be over before any of us are actually aware it is over for ourselves. That is our relationship with existence. Or is it a relationship with meaninglessness?

What is the antonym of meaninglessness? meaning? or existence? For something to be. For it to serve a purpose. For it to be or have intrinsic value to everything else. Is that meaning? or is it just there? existing? or is it nothing – purely meaningless.

Is my hopes and efforts to overcome or succumb to the “meaninglessness” in life a part of the process? or am I just running away or giving in when I could be more stubborn and work harder and achieve something important or of value to me or others? Could I solve these problems of the world? Could I help with or start a movement that is positive and encourages others?

… or is realization of and acceptance of meaninglessness what helps us hone our skills in valuing or understanding meaning when it truly resounds in us?