Dream People & Self Learning

After a troubling few encounters in my current profession this last week I had come to realize – yet again – that no one had my back when I needed them to.

Not only that, but I would need to learn to define for myself the gray areas when people are harassing me and how much I can or should tolerate before calling it a day and having someone else deal with it (safety risk assessment… but also a personal one)

Sometimes these days are accompanied by dreams, but sometimes these dreams come later or much later.

In a recent dream where I was designated to arrange or complete a task (I believe it was with fruit or food of all things, but dreams are like liquid pool reflections – altering and changing, your brain trying to keep the pace)

The one dream that seems important enough to mention here is the subsequent relational moments involved in the task I was given, and the *dream* family members that appeared – in some form of “support”, but more likely as semi-casual observers…

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First was my older sibling D.

I had only begun to assemble items in logical patterns, efficiently, cleanly, responsibly… but eerily after a while as I noted I was being watched by D.

“I do not exist so you can control, supervise, or judge my activities or actions.”

The task became exhaustive as being micro-managed did not help things move forward – they only hindered my progress.

Shortly after this my younger sibling R, made an appearance.

Wrapped up in their own story and subsequent drama – they took center stage.

I was enlisted to participate in it, even though I was totally doing my own thing and minding my own business.

I became a point of ridicule. A joke.

They bubbled with mocking expressions and laughter.

“I do not exist for your torment, bullying, or subjugation.”

Tired at this point and dreading what would come next, my soft and gracious mother appeared.

They took in the scene, my progress, my achievements, my circumstance – and then with a humble, mute expression they expected me to perform.

To focus on how I presented myself.

For their sake I tried to continue & overcome.

Turning back to them I noted a whimsical expression ensued, soon to be followed by a smile and laughter.

“I do not exist for your entertainment.”

After waving my dream mother off, claiming I did not need or want their involvement, and that if they cared at all they would get involved and not laugh at me, my dream father appeared.

“Good grief,” I thought. “This will not end well.”

I was already wound-up at this point, and of all people to be concerned with how I presented or what it appeared I was doing, or how far I had come in my project – having my dream father survey things was not going to end well for me.

Surprisingly, there was a pause. Perhaps my brain was still ramping up to tell my other dream family members off, and working up the courage to direct this at my dream father as well.

I noticed my dream father seemed concerned (that was no surprise, I had seen that face many times in my life)

As time went on, though, I realized that the concern was that of “study” or “thought processes going on behind the scenes” – akin to judgment or assessment – but mostly “in consideration of a test subject” of sorts.

They wanted me to explain myself.

They expected me to successfully defend & explain myself in the midst of activity while everyone else involved were not expected to do anything, explain or defend anything, and were permitted to fool around or continue in their mindless frivolity.

I would be the interpreter. I would solve the problem myself – without help.

I carried the weight of action, in addition to needing to explain what was happening in a logical & simple fashion – all the while keeping my cool some how.

This some how enraged me even more.

I had no time for this.

None of this was consensual.

I was burnt out and tired of others nagging me when I was just trying to accomplish the job set before me.

Turning to my father in righteous indignation I told them off as well.

And, last, “I do not exist for your education.”

I am who and what I am, and should not be subjected to mindless or needless interactions – particularly when not consensual.

This is a big reason why I choose not to involve myself with family get-together, unless it is something or for someone I care about enough to overcome these potential battles.

I do better in small gatherings.

I struggle in larger groups to maintain a self or image I can survive later without added therapy or self-medication.

I drank too much yesterday, and my body and mind know it.